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Slipping away

My days has been passing by like a whirl – i repeat the cycle of dragging myself to school and forcefully willing myself to sit through classes with glassy eyes and then only coming back after 8pm with 100% procrastination no concrete work accomplished every single day: the lack of sleep and pre-learning/revision makes listening and understanding a whole lot more difficult, and that i know i’m not doing anything to make things right, and that that itself is not right, and –

ūüė¶

At least today’s (or rather yesterday’s) practice was good. It was full of laughter and jokes and the singing was comparatively decent (with pseudo yoik still being terrible, but i really liked lay a garland – so). Mr Kwei spoke about attitude today, and i caught myself nodding fervently (as always haha). He reminded me once again what we should all aim to be like and what it truly means to be a chorister in a choir. That we should work hard together and improve collectively, and that effort matters, and that to the best of our abilities, nobody should be left behind. And also that auditions are established not to eliminate, but to let us prove our worth as choristers, that we have earned our place to be on that very stage. And that why I still look up to him this very very much, despite some of his nonsense favouritism.
And a side note this is a must i must talk about this: during quartet position for Lay A Garland where A2 had a solo line singing “Her… love…” Tenors were supposed to sustain their note, which happened to be a D, and as started from there he told the Tenors to remember to hold their “D”. And yes, being the all demure lady I burst out laughing, yet he continued to cue us in (after 1 minim ¬†beat) and¬†although¬†I tried my very best to suppress the laughter with choked breaths, (too bad) Rona got the joke too, which essentially meant that the volume of A2 dipped because both of us were too occupied with catching our breaths and getting back into the mood. (Rona recovered faster than me – i took at least 4-5 bars, more than 20+ notes.) It was so bad that he had to name us (A2)s to “come out more” for the piece, and I felt rather terrible afterwards. But funny altogether.
Life talks with Mr Ng has also been quite cool. I’m not exactly the easiest person to teach/educate so I really appreciate that he tries his best to reason with my not-very-logical logic. And I feel very blessed to be having Mr Ng, Miss Charmaine and Miss Wang as my teachers are one of the best things that has happened to me thus far since my time in AJ.

There were also things that happened today (yesterday) that were simply beyond my control – it didn’t feel good, and in fact it was terrible. I did what I can, but the vulnerability of not being able to do more haunts me.

I feel like a playwright beginning to lose control over the plot. It’s slipping away.

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